Huckleberry Authentic Communication Solutions

Negative feedback is never easy to give – or receive. It’s not natural. Imagine if in our “normal life” we gave feedback on everything.

“Now about dinner, darling. It was too salty and the balance of flavours was off.”

It would be weird. It’s not something we do in our normal out-of-work interactions. But when you’re a leader, giving negative feedback is inevitable and part and parcel of growth and improvement.

The traditional and most popular way to give negative feedback is with the “hamburger method” or as some have called it, the “turd sandwich”. It’s when the bad news/negative feedback (the turd) is cushioned on either side with niceness (that’s the delicious government white, fresh from the oven bread). Good – bad – good.

Examples:

Thank you so much for your submission. We really enjoyed the story, but don’t feel that it’s right for us at this stage. We wish you every success in the future.

I love the way you throw yourself into the work. Your attention to detail could improve, but on the whole, your performance has been great.

That report was well researched. A bit of repetition here and there and several typos, but you really captured the spirit of the thing.

It may seem like it’s making things better by adding in niceties, but there are many reasons this strategy is outdated and not the best way to deliver bad news or give negative feedback.

1. It could create a positive anticipation and instant disappointment in a matter of a few words.

Imagine reading this:
We thank you for your application. We were very impressed with your credentials and experience and the quality of your application. However, we have at this point filled all the spaces and will not be able to accept you for this year’s intake.

What the actual? Your eye scans and sees impressed, quality… the excitement mounts and then Boof! Disappointment.

2. If you’re just being polite, it can seem disingenuous.

The first example above shows this beautifully. It feels like a platitude. Oh you loved the story? Really? Then why aren’t you publishing it? Just say it like it is. Coming across as not being genuine is the quickest way to break trust and connection. If your employees or colleagues have figured out that you’re constantly feeding them turd sandwiches, they will stop trusting that you mean what you say.

3. The real message could get lost entirely between the slices of bread.

If you’re trying too hard to be nice and mask the negative part of the message, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. If you are really not happy with the lack of attention to detail and THAT’S the message you want to impart, rather just say that.

“Today I want to address your lack of attention to detail and explain why it’s an issue, and why I need you to improve in that area.”

The message is clear. There’s no mistaking what you feel, need and expect. Using the second example above, the turd sandwich can leave the person feeling like the attention to detail is a minor thing and that they are truly rocking it, when in actual fact, you’re highly irritated and need the issue to be addressed and rectified ASAP.

4. It diminishes the power of positive feedback

When you use the turd sandwich too often, with two positives surrounding your negative feedback, it can diminish the power of positive feedback you give on other occasions. The person who regularly eats your turd sandwich starts to subconsciously associate your compliments or positive feedback with poo. Keep them separate – praise good stuff, and give negative or constructive criticism on the not-so-good stuff. They are two different things with different objectives. Don’t mash them up together and hope for the best.

So how should you give feedback? I’ll save the detail for another article, but here are some topline thoughts:

Be clear and concise. Say what you’re unhappy about, explain why it’s important and offer a few ideas for solutions.

Come from a place of curiosity. Find out why the issue exists in the first place, in a genuine way. Is it a lack of training? A mindset that needs to shift? A practical issue that stands in the way? Ask questions and then help. Manage. Lead.

Your words and tone should never match your mood. No matter what kind of mood you’re in, make sure your tone is still encouraging, curious, empathetic. Don’t belittle the person or use passive aggressive language to get your point across.

Aim to be constructive rather than destructive. If you approach it in the right way, it should leave the person feeling ok but the whole thing and with a real understanding of the benefit of changing the behaviour. They should want to make the change and then go ahead and actually make the change. In other words, even negative feedback can build, rather than break. (In some ways, this is what the turd sandwich attempts to do, but fails at.)

As with most things, giving constructive negative feedback is a skill that improves with time and practice. Start to give negative feedback with empathy, tact and the goal of construction rather than destruction, and you will notice a difference – both in the conversation itself and in the results of the conversation. And stop dishing out turd sandwiches. They often leave a bad taste in the mouth.

Are you sometimes confused about how to greet clients, suppliers, new contacts and others who pop into your inbox and into whose inbox you pop? You are not alone. Many people grapple with whether to say hey, hi, howdy doody or how’s your grandpa. Here are eight common greetings and when and how to use them to create the desired connection and set the scene for the rest of your email.

1. Dear Jane

“Dear” and the person’s first name is a great greeting for when you’re getting in touch with someone you haven’t been in contact with for a while, or if you’re responding to an email from such a person. It’s polite, professional and friendly, all at the same time. When in doubt, this is a good go-to.
Side note: Never, ever, ever call someone “Dear”, as in: “Hello, Dear.” It induces nausea, unless from someone who’s 87 years old. Unless you’re 87 years old, just don’t.

2. Hello

I like hello and the humble comma for replying to people I don’t know, who need information or are giving me information. I especially use it if I don’t know their name, for instance whoever the guy is that sits and sends TV license emails. You know that guy?

“Hello,
Thank you for your email. This is now the 473rd email I am sending to you to tell you that I haven’t had a TV since Friends Season 7 was on Mnet. Good day to you, Sir.”

On the other hand, using hello with the spur waiter of punctuation – the exclamation mark - can be quite friendly and make it seem like you’re excited to receive an email from this person.

“Hello! Thanks for thinking of me. I’d love to. Let me know your size and I’ll sew one up immediately.”
Hello is versatile and neutral.

3. Hi Jane,

This is a good go-to too. Go-to, too. It’s casual, but bordering on professional and perfect for clients you know quite well and with whom you have a good rapport.

“Hi Jane,
Cool, I’ll get onto that and send it to you in the next hour. Two hours, max. Maybe three.”

It could be made even friendlier with an exclamation mark.

“Hi Jane! Thanks so much reaching out. I’d be delighted to chat to you about that. Let’s schedule a Zoom chat for Monday.”

In summation - Hi, with the person’s name, is a good go-to too. It is too, a good go-to; a good go-to it is too.

4. Hello Jane,

I worry with this that it seems a bit weary. I picture the paranoid android:
“Helloo Jaaane. Yes I can do that for you. When would be a good time? Would you like green or yellow. Bye Jane.”

Again, I think an exclamation point could make it friendlier and as always, its tone is very much dependent on what follows.
Consider:

“Hello, Jane!
So good to hear from you. Yes, I do still make ornate wedding cakes. Let me know the details and I’ll send you a quote.”

Versus:

“Hello Jane!
I appreciate what you’re saying, but I can’t be sure you read my email all the way to the end!
Regards.”

See what I’m saying? Context is everything.

5. Jane.

Oh, the drama. Only use this when you are literally in the middle of an argument with someone. Sidenote: Try not to get into arguments with people.
“Jane.

No, that makes no sense whatsoever and I demand to speak to your supervisor. Get her to call me post haste.”

Someone’s name and a full stop as a greeting makes me think of lady enemies at a garden party. They dip their chins, their hats cocked to one side, lift their eyebrows, purse their lips.

“Dorothy.”

“Camilla.”

It’s civil, bordering on passive aggressive, bordering on aggressive aggressive. I wouldn’t recommend using it.

6. My dearest, dearest little Janey,

Is this appropriate for business? I can think of two cases where it might actually be. One, Jane is your ex from 16 years ago, and you’ve always remained close friends and now you need to contact her to order a shipment of the delicious rum she produces at her rum producing company. Totes approps.
Or. You worked together years ago and became buds and that’s just the way you start your emails sometimes, because it’s funny.
Other than those two scenarios, don’t use this greeting.

7. ……..

No greeting. Just going straight into another comment or response, because you’re on your 17th email of the day with this person already. In other words, you’re in a conversation. It would be weird if you were sitting somewhere having a coffee and conversation with a friend and every time one of you stopped talking, the other would say hello again before continuing the conversation.

” Hi Sara, how are you?”
(hugs)
“Hello Jane. I’m good and you? How’s Jason?”
“Hello! He’s awesome. How’s work?”
“Hello again jane, work is wonderful, I’m so busy.”
“Hey again Sara! That’s great”

And so on.

It would be weird. So when you’re in a dinkum conversation, even over email, it’s ok to not have a formal greeting each and every time, for that thread.

8. Good morning Jane,

(Or it’s slightly more mischievous cousin “Morning Jane”)

I like this. It’s friendly without being too familiar and can work in a number of scenarios.

“Good morning Jane,
Thank you for your kind words. May you be blessed with love and abundance always.
Blessings”

Or even:

“Good morning Jane,
“Yes, I did receive your email and while it’s a most unusual request, I welcome the challenge and will get to work sourcing the materials immediately.”

The same applies for “Good morning” “Good evening” and “good morrow” (not really.)

Next time you think: “how do I greet this person?”, remember these 8 greetings and use the most appropriate one to create a connection and set the scene for what’s next. Drama? Utter professionalism? A sincere request? Bring it in from the very first word.

It’s quite a simple equation - if you want to see and feel an immediate improvement in your relationship, improve the way you (both) communicate.

Words have incredible power. We use them – sometimes in the most subtle ways - to bring our partners down, criticise them, make them feel a bit bad about themselves and other not-so-nice things. Here are 10 phrases you should stop saying immediately.

1. “Whatever.”
A timeless classic, “whatever” is used to dismiss what your person is saying (and feeling). It’s a firm favourite with those who have a passive aggressive style of communicating in a disagreement. When they start to feel angry or uncomfortable or like they’re backed into a corner, instead of facing the disagreement, expressing their emotions honestly and hearing what the other person is saying, they say “whatever” to summarily end the disagreement.

2. “Anyway…”
A bit more subtle, “anyway” is also dismissive. It implies that the conversation isn’t worth finishing, or that your or your partner’s thoughts, feelings etc., are not that important. It’s a verbal outward wave of the hand. It can sometimes work as a segue from the conversation you started but got too chicken to finish and the part where you move swiftly along to something more mundane:

“It’s just that you said you’d be here at 1. Anyway… have you decided what you want to order?” Stay with it. Finish the convo.

It can also be used in a self-effacing way – where you are almost managing to speak your truth about something, but then get scared or feel silly or something, so you say “anyway” to dismiss it and move on.

3. “Never mind”
Again, dismissive and disrespectful. It implies something like “you’ll never get it”, “it’s pointless”, “you’re stupid”. “I don’t care”, “you don’t care” and other such passive aggressive shitty things, without saying them.

4. “What’s wrong with you?”
This is rhetorical obviously, so not really a question - more of a statement. It says: “there is something very wrong with you.” It’s not nice. Don’t ever say this. Unless your dude has sold his car for cheap plastic inflatable flamingos that he hopes to sell on ebay. Then, you can say it. But if it’s because he eats meat, or said something inappropriate or missed the toilet, it’s not okay to say this. If you’re about to say this, ask yourself if you are making assumptions and being Judgy McJudgerson.

5. “You always…”
These sweeping blanket statements are never a good idea. Instead of saying “you always leave gooey stuff on the dishes when you wash them”, say: “hey babe, you’re a champ for washing the dishes, but I was thinking maybe you should wear your glasses when you do, because you sometimes don’t see some remnants, you sexy beast of a man”.
Instead of: “you’re always in a bad mood”, try: “you seem to be in a not-so-good space lately… is there anything I can do?”

6. “You never.”
Same as above. “You never bring me flowers anymore.” “You never get it.” “You never listen.” Stop. Take a breath. Think about what it is you feel is lacking, and without using the word “never”, ask for what you want. Instead of: “you never ask me how my day was”, say: “I would love it if once in a while you showed an interest in my day, what I did, or what’s going on. Do you think you could try to be a bit more mindful of that and a bit more curious about my day?”
How much more productive and constructive is that?

7. “It’s fine.” (when it’s not) and “I’m fine” (when you’re not)
It’s so easy sometimes to say everything’s cool, when deep down (or even not so deep down), you’re actually feeling quite pissed off. If it’s not fine, don’t say it is. If you’re not fine, don’t say you are. You are allowed to express anger or disappointment, but do so with kindness and in a way that builds, rather than breaks. Truth in a relationship is very attractive. It may not feel like lying lying, but saying it’s all good when that is not how you feel is an untruth. If you don’t want to talk about it right there and then, rather say: “I am feeling super weird and it’s hard to know right now what the feeling is, so I just don’t want to talk about it now.

8. “If you love me…”
Don’t even. Unless you’re totally joking. This is super manipulative and has no place in a relationship beyond the year 1989.

9. “Typical”
When you’re in an argument, and your partner says or does something you don’t like, and your response is “typical”, it implies so much, doesn’t it? It’s basically saying, well this is exactly the kind of thing you would say/do, because you’re essentially, at your core, an asshole (or a liar, or a scaredy cat or whatever). It’s a direct attack on the other person’s character. This other person being your person – the one you love more than anyone else on earth, remember?

10. “You’re funny.”
Nothing wrong with saying this if you have just had a laugh and you’re telling your person that you think they’re funny. The problem comes in when the statement is nothing to do with humour, and you’re using the word “funny” as a replacement word for something you can’t say. Like lazy, or selfish, or insensitive, or whatever it is you are feeling about your little honey bear in that moment. Rather say how you really feel, but in a kind and constructive way, and only after assessing its importance in that moment.