It’s quite a simple equation - if you want to see and feel an immediate improvement in your relationship, improve the way you (both) communicate.
Words have incredible power. We use them – sometimes in the most subtle ways - to bring our partners down, criticise them, make them feel a bit bad about themselves and other not-so-nice things. Here are 10 phrases you should stop saying immediately.
1. “Whatever.”
A timeless classic, “whatever” is used to dismiss what your person is saying (and feeling). It’s a firm favourite with those who have a passive aggressive style of communicating in a disagreement. When they start to feel angry or uncomfortable or like they’re backed into a corner, instead of facing the disagreement, expressing their emotions honestly and hearing what the other person is saying, they say “whatever” to summarily end the disagreement.
2. “Anyway…”
A bit more subtle, “anyway” is also dismissive. It implies that the conversation isn’t worth finishing, or that your or your partner’s thoughts, feelings etc., are not that important. It’s a verbal outward wave of the hand. It can sometimes work as a segue from the conversation you started but got too chicken to finish and the part where you move swiftly along to something more mundane:
“It’s just that you said you’d be here at 1. Anyway… have you decided what you want to order?” Stay with it. Finish the convo.
It can also be used in a self-effacing way – where you are almost managing to speak your truth about something, but then get scared or feel silly or something, so you say “anyway” to dismiss it and move on.
3. “Never mind”
Again, dismissive and disrespectful. It implies something like “you’ll never get it”, “it’s pointless”, “you’re stupid”. “I don’t care”, “you don’t care” and other such passive aggressive shitty things, without saying them.
4. “What’s wrong with you?”
This is rhetorical obviously, so not really a question - more of a statement. It says: “there is something very wrong with you.” It’s not nice. Don’t ever say this. Unless your dude has sold his car for cheap plastic inflatable flamingos that he hopes to sell on ebay. Then, you can say it. But if it’s because he eats meat, or said something inappropriate or missed the toilet, it’s not okay to say this. If you’re about to say this, ask yourself if you are making assumptions and being Judgy McJudgerson.
5. “You always…”
These sweeping blanket statements are never a good idea. Instead of saying “you always leave gooey stuff on the dishes when you wash them”, say: “hey babe, you’re a champ for washing the dishes, but I was thinking maybe you should wear your glasses when you do, because you sometimes don’t see some remnants, you sexy beast of a man”.
Instead of: “you’re always in a bad mood”, try: “you seem to be in a not-so-good space lately… is there anything I can do?”
6. “You never.”
Same as above. “You never bring me flowers anymore.” “You never get it.” “You never listen.” Stop. Take a breath. Think about what it is you feel is lacking, and without using the word “never”, ask for what you want. Instead of: “you never ask me how my day was”, say: “I would love it if once in a while you showed an interest in my day, what I did, or what’s going on. Do you think you could try to be a bit more mindful of that and a bit more curious about my day?”
How much more productive and constructive is that?
7. “It’s fine.” (when it’s not) and “I’m fine” (when you’re not)
It’s so easy sometimes to say everything’s cool, when deep down (or even not so deep down), you’re actually feeling quite pissed off. If it’s not fine, don’t say it is. If you’re not fine, don’t say you are. You are allowed to express anger or disappointment, but do so with kindness and in a way that builds, rather than breaks. Truth in a relationship is very attractive. It may not feel like lying lying, but saying it’s all good when that is not how you feel is an untruth. If you don’t want to talk about it right there and then, rather say: “I am feeling super weird and it’s hard to know right now what the feeling is, so I just don’t want to talk about it now.
8. “If you love me…”
Don’t even. Unless you’re totally joking. This is super manipulative and has no place in a relationship beyond the year 1989.
9. “Typical”
When you’re in an argument, and your partner says or does something you don’t like, and your response is “typical”, it implies so much, doesn’t it? It’s basically saying, well this is exactly the kind of thing you would say/do, because you’re essentially, at your core, an asshole (or a liar, or a scaredy cat or whatever). It’s a direct attack on the other person’s character. This other person being your person – the one you love more than anyone else on earth, remember?
10. “You’re funny.”
Nothing wrong with saying this if you have just had a laugh and you’re telling your person that you think they’re funny. The problem comes in when the statement is nothing to do with humour, and you’re using the word “funny” as a replacement word for something you can’t say. Like lazy, or selfish, or insensitive, or whatever it is you are feeling about your little honey bear in that moment. Rather say how you really feel, but in a kind and constructive way, and only after assessing its importance in that moment.